When you’re in pain, you suddenly become a magnet for two things: sincere love… and well-meaning hopes for everyone.
If you don’t know what I mean, then keep reading.
The auntie who comes in like a spiritual bulldozer:
“Astaghfirullah! What sins did you do to deserve this?” huh, huh, huh?
Or the uncle who thinks that he’s the Rumi reincarnation:
“Pain is just a state of mind, my son. Control the mind, and you control the pain.” (Thanks, Uncle. That helped a lot. I’ll get right to that… after I weep myself to sleep.)
Let’s get real for a bit.
When someone is in physical or emotional agony, their hearts are soft, open, and very fragile. What’s said to them doesn’t just go to their ears—it sinks deep into their soul.
Words either soothe… or sting. So choose them very wisely.
We all need to learn what to say and what not to say to someone who’s in pain—whether it’s a friend recovering from surgery, a parent battling illness, or a brother stuck in a cloud of depression. Say what you’d like to say to make them feel better.
🚫 What not to say: The “Unintentionally hurtful” Edition
“Everything happens for a reason.” ✅ True.
❌ But please don’t say this when the wound is still bleeding. Timing matters.
“At least it’s not cancer!”
Oh wow, the classic “compare your pain to worse pain” strategy. That’s like telling a guy who broke his leg, “At least you didn’t lose both legs and arms and your WiFi connection!” It doesn’t help at all.
“Be strong.”
They probably are already stronger than you think. Don’t command—just be a companion.
“You look fine though!”
Ah yes, the invisible pain invalidation. Just because someone smiles doesn’t mean they’re not battling a thousand internal wars. (Don’t confuse saying optimistic words with a blatant lie)
✅ What To Say Instead
“I’m here for you.”
Simple. Powerful. No judgment, no advice. Just presence. Sometimes, that’s all they need.
“Can I make things a bit easier for you today?”
Now we’re talking. Offer something practical. Bring food. Run errands. Silently drop a box of samosas with a smile and leave.
“Take your time. You don’t have to rush your recovery.”
Let people breathe. Let them be vulnerable. That’s how you build bridges.
“I made Du’a for you today.”
This one hits deep and the most important of all. When someone tells me they prayed for me—really prayed—I feel their Du’a being fulfilled already.
Are you waiting for me to write down the list of Du’a you should make when visiting someone unwell? You’re dreaming. Search them eight now and post them in the comments below. 👇
💡 A Sunnah-inspired model of support
The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ was the most emotionally intelligent caregiver the world has ever seen. When someone was grieving, he listened. When someone was sick, he visited. When someone was silent, he understood.
He didn’t always offer long advice—often, just a touch, a tear, or a Du’a.
One Hadith that reflects and captures this idea is when he PBUH said:
“The most beloved of people to Allah are those who are most beneficial to others.” (Reported by Tabarani)
Sometimes, being beneficial doesn’t mean giving speeches or solutions. Sometimes it’s just about being there—quiet, present, patient, and genuine.
📿 A final word for the caregivers
Please remember: when someone is in pain, their soul is going through a recalibration. A purification. A reconnection with Allah SWT.
They don’t always need you to fix them.
They just need you to observe them. With kindness. With gentleness. With Adab/mannerism.
And if you’re not sure what to say… say nothing.
Just bring tea. Or tissues. Or a silent prayer. That might be more powerful than all the advice in the world.
Until next time, stay helpful.
Sheikh Wael Ibrahim
